By Dharma - 10 Nov 25 8:41 PM
Hello,
I got "the knock" around a month ago and my whole world has been flipped upside down since then. I have come across this forum, which has been helpful in letting me know that I'm not alone. But I realise that a lot of members are not based in Scotland, so I was wondering if anyone had any Scotland-specific advice for some of my queries. However, I appreciate any and all advice, no matter where it comes from.
For some context, I have never been in trouble with the police in my life. Before "the knock", I had what I would consider to be the perfect life; a loving wife, two young children whom I adore, lots of friends, a house and a good job. Since "the knock", my wife left me, I hadn't seen the kids, the house is up for sale as my wife immediately fled to her mother's house so is no longer able to work, and none of my friends want anything to do with me as there was a social media post shared about me. I am currently homeless and have been sofa surfing with some family members thankfully, but it's clear that this isn't a long term arrangement so I am awaiting word on temporary accommodation outside of my local area. I have received a fit note from my GP stating that I am unable to work as I am feeling extremely suicidal, so thankfully I am still receiving a wage however, most of it goes towards the outgoings of the house I own with my wife, as well as the upkeep of my children.
I have been charged with online sexual conversations with an older child, including sending and receiving of sexual images via Snapchat. My devices, including both personal and work-related devices, have been seized for police investigation.
I'm not sure if this is how it works outside of Scotland, but I was initially arrested and questioned at the police station, to which the duty solicitor advised me to answer "no comment" although I wanted to be as cooperative as possible, then released on a bail undertaking to appear in the Sheriff Court just under 1 month later, which has now been and gone.
I engaged with a solicitor and asked them if I was eligible for Scottish Legal Aid, but haven't received much communication from the solicitor around that, other than completing the initial form, so I'm unclear if I'll receive legal aid or if I'll need to pay privately. If paying privately, I haven't had any indication of how much the solicitor fees would be.
My bail conditions advise that I am unable to have unsupervised contact with anyone under the age of 18, unless it's unavoidable in the course of lawful daily life. I am happy to abide by these conditions but initially it was unclear how "unsupervised" would be interpreted, and my solicitor advised me to err on the side of caution so I shouldn't contact my own children until it was clarified by the Sheriff. My wife was contacted by social services who advised that they don't have any concerns about me contacting my children and it was up to my wife to decide what the best option would be. A Children's Reporter also contacted my wife to discuss if a Children's Hearing was required in relation to my own children and the decision was made to immediately close the case, so no Children's Hearing was required. As difficult as it was, I agreed to not contact my own children until the initial court date where I'd be officially charged by the Sheriff. On that date, the Sheriff confirmed that my wife counts as supervision, therefore I would be able to contact my children with her supervision. I was so thankful to hear that and have recently had a supervised visit from my children. One is nursery age so doesn't have a complete understanding of what's going on, but the other is early primary school age (and has had to change school because of this situation) and had some questions for me. I answered them in an age-appropriate way while still taking accountability for my actions and ensuring that my children knew that everything their mum was doing for them was for the best, even though there have been a lot of massive changes to their life in the space of a month.
The time spent with my children went well however, I felt like I was masking my emotions as nothing felt normal any more. They enjoyed seeing me, and I enjoyed seeing them, but it also increased the level of my suicidal thoughts as I feel like they'd be better off without me, as much as I love them.
My wife has obviously been devastated by this whole situation, and has a lot of anger towards me but is also being amicable for the sake of the children. I still love my wife but I don't know how to explain that properly, as my actions would suggest otherwise.
I have also engaged with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, who luckily have funding in Scotland so I don't need to pay for their services, but so far they keep saying generic things like, "you'll get through this" when ideally I'd want something practical to work on to improve myself somehow as I desperately want to make positive changes and be accountable for my actions. I have always suspected that I am on the autistic spectrum, but have never been officially diagnosed, so I think having something practical to work on would be beneficial for the way my mind works.
As I mentioned previously, there has been a social media post about me and I have received threats of violence, so I am scared to go outside as a lot of people know and the victim's family are relatively local. This has also increased my level of suicidal thoughts as I am worried that the risk of violence towards me could be too much if I am with my children in a supervised visit. I have deleted all of my social media but there's nothing I can do about the post that has already been shared. I spoke to the police about the threats of violence and they said that if I gave a statement then I could end up having to give evidence in court, so I decided against it as I believe it would only aggravate the situation further.
Now to my queries:
1. Does anyone have any recommendations around coping with suicidal thoughts? Everyone I have spoken to so far has given me generic advice, which has kept me safe for now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep myself safe for.
2. I am massively fighting my thoughts between wanting to see my children because I love them, and conversely keeping them away from me because I love them, not that I'm any risk to them, moreso the potential for future heartbreak when I tell them about this, being unable to take them outside without fear of being recognised, and just the general stigma of having a father with these types of charges. Does anyone have any experience with something positive I can offer my children in life? I really don't want them to feel sorry for me whenever they see me, instead I want to be able to be a good dad to them but I can't see a way that I can offer them anything more than a visit indoors where I'm masking my emotions.
3. Does anyone have any experience with dealing with threats of violence? I realise most of the offences discussed on this forum are for downloading IIOC rather than having direct contact with a victim, so it's been difficult to navigate the situation with regards to this specific scenario.
4. Does anyone have any indication of the type of sentence I am likely to receive in Scotland if I plead guilty?
5. Although I answered "no comment" when asked for the passcode to my personal phone, a family member provided the police with the passcode. With that in mind, is that likely to speed up the device investigation process? My personal laptop and work devices were never used for anything untoward, but I'm aware they still need to be investigated, which I'm guessing will delay the device investigation process.
6. I have been advised that the plea date will likely be 12 to 18 months down the line, with the sentencing date likely to be 4 to 6 weeks after that, but if I intend to plead guilty is there any way that the Procurator Fiscal will take that into account and potentially speed up the process?
7. Has anyone had success stories with engaging with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation? I have another call with them this week and I'm hoping it will gradually start to help.
8. Has anyone got any experience with dealing with being homeless in Scotland? The homeless officer was brilliant and agreed that I wouldn't be safe in a hostel but it's been a couple of weeks without word on temporary accommodation. I'm worried that not being in a hostel is pushing me down the list. I'm unable to return to the house i own with my wife for my own safety.
9. Regarding Scottish Legal Aid, will they consider the financial support I need to provide to my wife and kids or will this be disregarded?
Apologies for the long-winded nature of this post but I am extremely thankful for anyone who has taken the time to read this and respond.
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By AB2014 - 18 Nov 25 9:18 AM
+xIt's worth saying that harassment is harassment and jumped up vigilantes have no right to engage in criminal behaviour. So if credible threats have been made towards you you have every right to report it to the police.
That's true, and threats putting someone in fear of violence is common assault, and could be seen as affray. The police might not be sympathetic, but if you report all this and they ignore it, they're laying themselves open to trouble if something does happen. I suspect these vigilantes just want to feel big by scaring you.
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