By Richie - 27 Apr 26 10:10 PM
+xGot the knock at 9am on December 17th, completely shocked. My IP address was flagged accessing a torrent site that also contained IIOC. Although I was not looking for IIOC, I was downloading porn packs without doing any checks on what these could contain. Although I didn’t see any IIOC as I would delete these porn packs as soon as they were no longer required, I was downloading at a rate that would contribute to the popularity of these packs. Since the pandemic, I have been working from home full-time, often without meaningful social contact, and I became obsessed with porn. I would look at Instagram models and Onlyfans leaked content, all the time. I would find a model I liked and download all of their content from as many sites as I could find. I had folders and folders of photos. I could spend hours a day downloading them. I never did anything with them, it was like collecting pokemon cards, I just needed to have all of the photos. I had browser add ons that let me click one button and it would download all of the images in one go. On one of the IG models posts, someone commented that she had nudes that had leaked and that was it, I went off searching. I found a link to these leaks and downloaded them and added them to my collection. I have since found out that some of those leaks were from when this model was 16/17. I take full responsibility for not checking and blindly trusting links on the internet. I’ve had a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that began at a very young age. My early exposure to sexuality was shaped by childhood sexual abuse, which I believe contributed to confusion around boundaries and a tendency toward hypersexuality. Over time, this developed into a problematic reliance on pornography. I had my second interview this week. They found what I was expecting, but they also found something I wasn’t expecting, two instances where I had taken a photo of my 12yo step daughter's clothed bum sticking out of her duvet covers when she was asleep, thinking it was funny. These were taken and deleted almost instantly as I realized it could be taken as creepy and not funny. I was using alcohol more than I let on, I would hide rum in the garage and sneak out top up my drinks daily. And would take in drug use when out with friends. The dates and times seem to match up from when I was drinking heavily and night out on drink and drugs. These reduced my inhibitions and impaired my judgment. But I did it nonetheless, I let myself get addicted to porn, blurring the lines of what is acceptable, I let myself get drunk and took drugs that caused this lapse of judgement. I can only imagine I saw it as another photo to add to my collection. I did this with the wife too, if she were asleep and her bum was out, I would take photos, or from under the covers, I would take photos. I feel so ashamed, my wife, who has been fantastic throughout this process, no longer wants to talk to me, I do not blame her. I have broken her trust, I’ve broken my daughters trust. I cannot imagine how they feel. I’ve also used a screen to dissociate myself from the content, but I crossed that line. I hate myself so much! When I look at the situation as a whole, I can see a pattern: isolation, low mood, substance use, and compulsive habits all combined to lower my ability to make safe decisions. I moved from seeking distraction or relief into behavior that crossed a serious line.Even understanding these factors, I recognize that I am responsible for what I did. These influences help explain the context, but they do not excuse the harm. What matters now is what I do next. I need to address the underlying issues directly: seeking professional help for depression, addiction, and trauma; getting properly assessed for ADHD; reducing isolation; and putting safeguards in place around my behavior and internet use. My focus is on accountability, change, and preventing any possibility of repeating this. Thank you for reading, I really don't know what to do with myself, I've lost everything, and it's all my fault.
I would say things get easier over time, I had my knock in 2019 and it was hard with family at first but you build bridges over time. The shame that you feel to start with is normal and over time that goes away as you accept what you have done and start to realise it is about the future not the past. Some friendships and family ties may never be rebuilt but a lot can be given the time
My knock gave me the power to turn my life around and now I am in a much better place and I know I have changed. My family recognise this and how much hard work I have put in to get to where i am now.
I have though recently had a second knock and this time I am totally innocent of the allegations put towards me. There has been a lot of jumping to conclusions based on the fact that I have a record and I have an association with the address where the offence occurred. As you move forward you will find the biggest hurdle is the police and probation who will struggle to believe that you can change.
The biggest change after my second knock is that my family totally believe my innocence because they know how much I have changed. Their faith in me shows how much I have changed over time and know I wouldn't put that at risk again
It might not seem like it now but you will feel better about what has happened. It is not necessarily a quick process though.
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By Sully - 10 Apr 26 2:28 PM
Got the knock at 9am on December 17th, completely shocked. My IP address was flagged accessing a torrent site that also contained IIOC. Although I was not looking for IIOC, I was downloading porn packs without doing any checks on what these could contain. Although I didn’t see any IIOC as I would delete these porn packs as soon as they were no longer required, I was downloading at a rate that would contribute to the popularity of these packs.
Since the pandemic, I have been working from home full-time, often without meaningful social contact, and I became obsessed with porn. I would look at Instagram models and Onlyfans leaked content, all the time. I would find a model I liked and download all of their content from as many sites as I could find. I had folders and folders of photos. I could spend hours a day downloading them. I never did anything with them, it was like collecting pokemon cards, I just needed to have all of the photos. I had browser add ons that let me click one button and it would download all of the images in one go.
On one of the IG models posts, someone commented that she had nudes that had leaked and that was it, I went off searching. I found a link to these leaks and downloaded them and added them to my collection. I have since found out that some of those leaks were from when this model was 16/17. I take full responsibility for not checking and blindly trusting links on the internet.
I’ve had a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that began at a very young age. My early exposure to sexuality was shaped by childhood sexual abuse, which I believe contributed to confusion around boundaries and a tendency toward hypersexuality. Over time, this developed into a problematic reliance on pornography.
I had my second interview this week. They found what I was expecting, but they also found something I wasn’t expecting, two instances where I had taken a photo of my 12yo step daughter's clothed bum sticking out of her duvet covers when she was asleep, thinking it was funny. These were taken and deleted almost instantly as I realized it could be taken as creepy and not funny. I was using alcohol more than I let on, I would hide rum in the garage and sneak out top up my drinks daily. And would take in drug use when out with friends. The dates and times seem to match up from when I was drinking heavily and night out on drink and drugs. These reduced my inhibitions and impaired my judgment. But I did it nonetheless, I let myself get addicted to porn, blurring the lines of what is acceptable, I let myself get drunk and took drugs that caused this lapse of judgement. I can only imagine I saw it as another photo to add to my collection. I did this with the wife too, if she were asleep and her bum was out, I would take photos, or from under the covers, I would take photos.
I feel so ashamed, my wife, who has been fantastic throughout this process, no longer wants to talk to me, I do not blame her. I have broken her trust, I’ve broken my daughters trust. I cannot imagine how they feel. I’ve also used a screen to dissociate myself from the content, but I crossed that line. I hate myself so much!
When I look at the situation as a whole, I can see a pattern: isolation, low mood, substance use, and compulsive habits all combined to lower my ability to make safe decisions. I moved from seeking distraction or relief into behavior that crossed a serious line.Even understanding these factors, I recognize that I am responsible for what I did. These influences help explain the context, but they do not excuse the harm.
What matters now is what I do next. I need to address the underlying issues directly: seeking professional help for depression, addiction, and trauma; getting properly assessed for ADHD; reducing isolation; and putting safeguards in place around my behavior and internet use. My focus is on accountability, change, and preventing any possibility of repeating this.
Thank you for reading, I really don't know what to do with myself, I've lost everything, and it's all my fault.
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