theForum » Other areas » Emotional support » I need some advice

I need some advice

james gtr manchester — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 20:54:55 GMT

Hi,

I'm really struggling at the minute with isolation and loneliness.

Ever since I've been convicted for the download of indecent images of children i'm struggling to maintain a healthy balance of social life.

I spend every day worrying about who I socialise with and how my crime might impact them. I worry about being invited to events that I can't attend, about if I become friends and they have children then I have to disclose. I worry about where I can socialise, if there could be any issues with my SHPO. I celebrated my birthday last week, and thought about ending my life. I'm really struggling to maintain an even keel, I've given up even looking for work as I see it a waste of time.

RE: I need some advice

Bravelass — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 20:54:55 GMT

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[b]Cory1971 - 7 Jun 17 11:10 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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It does get better and guess what you are not alone, my offence was nearly 5 years ago now and knock on the door was 6, there are many good things that have come out of this and because of the chance my new employer gave me 3 years ago I have never been happier, it will get better and don't treat you SOR as a ball and chain, you will lose friends the true ones will stick by you, those that don't you don't need, those who sit on moral high horses always have sugar lumps with you. I am not far from Manchester so to me a meet for a coffee is no problem, stay in touch and chin up.

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Yes you lose everyone but true friends stick by you.

RE: I need some advice

Bravelass — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 20:52:12 GMT

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[b]link - 11 Mar 17 4:55 PM[/b]

Hi James,

Having been in the same situation it's not a pleasant experience to say the least, I too lost my fiance, my friends, my family, my job, my home, my whole identify and struggled with feelings of despair.

It does get better (kinda) but I'm not the ray of sunshine like some others unfortunately, I still have a nonexistent social life, struggle to make friends or even consider relationships as to not impose my past on someone else, it keeps me safe but it also keeps me lonely.

On a positive note I have one friend who knows about my past, its difficult as they have a busy life but it's nice to be able to go talk to someone once in a while without fear of hiding things, I dread the "where did you use to live/work" enquiries from people but you get akin to being crap at making conversation on that front.

Over the years I have managed to dig myself out of debt, sell my house, tuck away some savings, gain some new qualifications, make a friend, and now I'm looking forward to getting off the SOR.

So it's not all doom and gloom, I have a few hobbies that keep my occupied although still quite isolated truth be told. If you speak to your OM I was able to get private therapy on a weekly basis which I found very helpful dealing with my emotions at the time, I think it was after I did my SOTP though, and after that I spent a year working with circles which was really worthwhile so I'd recommend looking into it.

The one thing I find holds be back is Google, that constant irrational fear that a quick search of my name and wham bahm there's a picture of me etc. Unfortunately that's the lifetime punishment you have to learn to live with... Keep your chin up, there are worse things than loneliness.

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I know exactly what you mean...a lifetime of punishment,deal with the guilt and emotions and life. It's real hard. Hope you find some kind of solace. C

RE: I need some advice

Bravelass — Sun, 05 Jul 2020 20:39:41 GMT

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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Hi James

I have to say that in terms of isolation and loneliness i totally understand. I found my time in prison much easier than now.
Yes we have done wrong and it's despicable. But people don't understand that even those who have committed a sex crime can change and deeply regret. The thing is it's such a taboo subject that people see us as monsters not capable of change and regrets.
But we are still human beings with feelings and emotions. We are not machines that don't feel. So I totally sympathise with you and hope it gets better for you . C

RE: I need some advice

james gtr manchester — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 05:08:14 GMT

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[b]Dave Lister - 8 Jun 17 8:28 PM[/b]

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[b]Cory1971 - 7 Jun 17 11:10 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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I'm in the same boat as James. Did you get any media exposure Corey? I'm so angry, the papers are a law unto themselves.

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True - its not so much the papers but society. I'm trying to get on my feet and they're proving difficult

RE: I need some advice

james gtr manchester — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 05:06:32 GMT

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[b]Cory1971 - 10 Jun 17 9:41 PM[/b]

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[b]Dave Lister - 8 Jun 17 8:28 PM[/b]

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[b]Cory1971 - 7 Jun 17 11:10 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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I'm in the same boat as James. Did you get any media exposure Corey? I'm so angry, the papers are a law unto themselves.

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Hello Dave, no thankfully no media so exposure limited and the court was not in my home town, alas though everyone in my immediate circle knew as I had to give up my job (prison time) so some made up their own stories which actually made a mockery of the true story, I would say that your sentence starts upon release not in prison and it was a good 18 months of taking any job I could before I got a break and I love the job I have now and nothing is ever mentioned, under ROA my sentence spent now, have 5 years left of SOPO and SOR though and intend in September to appeal against my SOPO as it was a bit wishy washy and overlaps what's in the SOR. I seem fortunate in that my PPU are very good to get along with, the past 2 visits they have rang me to ask if I am in, but I hope they can see I am helping myself get back together, relationships are tricky and happy for time being to avoid that elephant, in 5 years now they have looked at my computer once but I never hide anything as have nothing to hide, all I can say is it will get better, slow baby steps but it will, my offer to talk to anyone and offer an ear to listen is genuine and open to anyone.

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Hi - sadly they look at my computer quite frequently. I think they're surprised there's not even any porn on it! I'm looking at appealing the whole thing. When I committed the offence I dont remember it, I have emails from disciplinaries at work stating I did stuff without remembering. There are medical notes prior to the offence stating the same. I just feel like i've been pushed into the whole thing. I know what I did was wrong, but if I was in crisis when it happened!?!?

RE: I need some advice

james gtr manchester — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 05:03:02 GMT

THanks - thats kind of you i'd love to meet for a coffee

RE: I need some advice

Cory1971 — Sat, 10 Jun 2017 21:41:55 GMT

[quote]

[b]Dave Lister - 8 Jun 17 8:28 PM[/b]

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[b]Cory1971 - 7 Jun 17 11:10 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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I'm in the same boat as James. Did you get any media exposure Corey? I'm so angry, the papers are a law unto themselves.

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RE: I need some advice

Dave Lister — Thu, 08 Jun 2017 20:28:38 GMT

[quote]

[b]Cory1971 - 7 Jun 17 11:10 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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I'm in the same boat as James. Did you get any media exposure Corey? I'm so angry, the papers are a law unto themselves.

Cory1971 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 23:10:16 GMT

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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RE: I need some advice

james gtr manchester — Wed, 03 May 2017 13:53:12 GMT

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[b]link - 30 Apr 17 11:20 PM[/b]

Hi James,

I'm sorry to hear that, I truly hope you can find strength not to end up back in hospital anytime soon.

I think there are complaint avenues you can go down if your OM is doing something wrong in a professional capacity but proving that is another matter, in all honesty it will probably end with some kind of rebuttal on you for fighting the system etc. My advice, however unpleasant it might be would be to play the game, they have a job to do which essentially means ticking a box so nod and agree and let them have there moment of morar superiority. I found with my OM that the moment he was done with me he'd forgotten my name and was busy with the next merry-go-round.

You would like to think the objective was to help you but it's really just to 'help" you not reoffend, nothing more. I was once told you have to help yourself, only you can fix yourself, only you can make yourself happy etc. It's probably true which is why it's so difficult.

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@normallife

I can understand this, my new offender manager is a nightmare when it comes to this. She treats everything like a breach unless proven otherwise.

I've had an app on my phone (which I bought and paid for), I installed to basically prevent any issues over where I was / what I was doing. My last offender manager thought it was brillant and trusted it. My new one takes it as a cover up.

Eitherway - this whole SHPO business has turned me in to a bit of a recluse. I wish I could get out more :(

link — Tue, 02 May 2017 09:23:57 GMT

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[b]Normallife - 1 May 17 11:13 PM[/b]

Hi guys need your advice, my OM came round the other day and I told him I was playing football (usually once a week) at pitches which belong to a school. He said he'd have to disclose my conviction to the school unless I told my friend who I play with? I play at the school at out of school hours- 9pm. And my offence did not involve children. Surely he's not allowed to do this? I really don't want him talking to my friend about my conviction. This just seems so wrong and it's getting me down already. What should I do? I thought he'd need to do a risk assessment first before making a disclosure? Your opinions on this would be much appreciated.

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Hi NL,

I can perhaps understand your OM wanting to disclose to the school if it's was playing for/with the school as they might have safeguarding issues to contend with but if the school is a gym of sorts (i.e. anyone can just rock up and pay to enter) then it's a bit excessive IMO.

I don't quote get the "disclosing to a friend makes it ok" though, who's to say your friend is a pillar of society? Sounds a bit iffy to me perhaps your OM heard the word "school" and just went into arse covering time. Their job used to be "public protection" (take that how you want) but it's now supposed to be "risk management" and that includes the risk to you if you inadvertently disclose to someone. If you're not ready or you are not 99% sure that disclosing to your friend may have a positive outcome then don't do it.

If your OM is adamant on disclosing to the school you should discuss what that entails, they shouldn't necessarily be name dropping who you are or what you did etc. Personally if you can't find an amicable solution just stop going or find somewhere else to play, perhaps explain to your OM that in future you shall be less forthcoming with information given their attitude.

Normallife — Mon, 01 May 2017 23:13:01 GMT

link — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 23:20:44 GMT

RE: I need some advice

james gtr manchester — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 21:11:27 GMT

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[b]link - 30 Apr 17 8:30 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 30 Apr 17 5:29 PM[/b]

Sorry for not getting back but its been a difficult few months. Its interesting how varied SHPOs are...

I've been in hospital twice, and i'm having to move as I have no other way of changing offender manager.

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Hi james, feel free to have a rant here... Sometimes it helps just to get things off your chest.

Moving because of your OM is a bit extreme, what's the situation? I can understand moving for work or a new scenery etc but it doesn't necessarily mean your new OM will be any better, I never found my OM particular helpfully, "some" PPO or RPO as their now known have been better but I've certainly come across my fair share of "those" who would rather you under lock and key. Don't let them get the better of you, prove them wrong.

SHPO's are an odd thing, I've read so many odd tales from different sources. I was lucky as they tried to give me a ridiculous over-the-top SOPO that would befit a genocide dictator and even the judge told the CPS they were being stupid (or at least that's my take on it, HA).

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Hello,

My new offender manager is one of those that would rather have me under lock and key. Even before I met her I was having panic / anxiety attacks. I was in hospital after taking a small overdose of paracetamol / venlafaxine.......

I have asked to be assigned a new offender manager however i'm told no process exists.... Wonderful eh??

link — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 20:30:26 GMT

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[b]james gtr manchester - 30 Apr 17 5:29 PM[/b]

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RE: I need some advice

james gtr manchester — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 17:29:53 GMT

RE: I need some advice

AB2014 — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 14:18:29 GMT

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[b]woundeddog - 19 Apr 17 3:22 PM[/b]

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[b]CC - 7 Mar 17 11:43 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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Hi James, I can relate to this myself. My offence was years ago now and at the time I couldn't see anyway forward for me. In fact losing my wife, family, friends and job was by far the worst, more so than actually going to prison. Prison did in a way put me with some people to help me through the darkest times but at the other end of it now I have managed to find a really great partner and I have a small business to get me through. It hasn't been easy and there have been times when I didn't want to carry on but here I am.
I never imagined being where I am today, my partner sort of found me and knew about my past from when it happened, My small business? never thought I would be doing what I am (so completely different to before, polar opposite in fact). My point to all this is you can`t foresee whats coming, you have to wait and see it may be something good.
Yes there will be problems, but you learn to steer a better course to minimise the negatives, I have found a lot of the "problems" where in truth in my head
( thats just my personal situation not aimed at anyone else). My register requirements arn`t really an issue for me now. I have adapted I dont over duly worry about them and manage to have some good times so hang on in there.
You do say you worry about being invited to events but at least you are optimistic and say you may be invited to some. have you discussed it with you O,M, ? I did when it was early days and she didn't have much of an issue as long as I "kept myself safe" if you know what I mean. Going to a pub or event isnt the same as going to someones house.
Belated birthday wishes by the way. I hope it gets better for you soon. C.....

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well ive had a nitemare that never ends never did any prison but got my life destroyed permanent 3years probation finished conviction spent 2nhalf years ago but , but 7years ago when this happened there was a paper articule saying the pervert should be locked up and its still on the net today , so no prison but life sentence is how i feel the google team refused to remove this articule because of public interest middle of last year grrrr its wrong stinks

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[b]woundeddog - 19 Apr 17 3:22 PM[/b]

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[b]CC - 7 Mar 17 11:43 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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Sorry to hear about your situation. Have you looked at the Unlock info on this stuff. You can find it here. If you don't fancy trying the Information Commissioner, you could have a go at the 'counteracting negative search results' stuff. Hopefully, you won't have to go as far as changing your name. I hope it works for you.

RE: I need some advice

woundeddog — Wed, 19 Apr 2017 15:22:48 GMT

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[b]CC - 7 Mar 17 11:43 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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woundeddog — Wed, 19 Apr 2017 15:15:19 GMT

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[b]wotsit39 - 19 Mar 17 6:32 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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Hi James,

Im going through a simillar situation and with a similar conviction.

Its hard. There's no two ways about it. My sister hasn't spoken to my for 3 years and my relationship with my brother and parents is strained. I was lucky with my conviction in that there was no publicity and I was able to keep my job, which has kept me focussed. I have definitely regressed socially now though, i'm a completely different person and much more reclusive. There are good friends from before conviction that I stay away from now because of the family element.

At the time of my conviction in 2012 it all seemed like it was never going to end, 2 years probation, 6 month course, 5 year SOPO and 7 years on the SOR felt like it was never going to pass, but its almost passed now. My SOPO finish at the end of this month and my conviction is spent accordingly. Ive been accepted for a new job because I can now say I have no unspent convictions. I met a woman on a dating site, who Ive told about my conviction and she's been understanding and supportive. Ive been through it and I feel im now coming out the other side.

It is a life changing event but you CAN still live an enjoyable life. How long have you got left on the conviction?

Hope youre enjoying the weekend.

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RE: I need some advice

Btur — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 18:55:49 GMT

I am in the same situation. Mine case was widely reported particularly by the newspaper I used to work for!, I lost reputation, job, home but my children stood by me and I still live with two of them (over 18).
It does mean I can only see my 9 year old daughter under very strained circumstances. I found it a bit odd that a chap on my NSOG course had much more serious indecent image conviction than me yet he got no SHPO at all and looks after his children, 9 and 7. Weird, although he may have had a good lawyer whereas I had someone who sold me down the river and did not present my circumstances at all. What I also found hard was that all the people you can relate to ie those on the NSOG course - you arent allowed to contact! This I presume is in case us perverts get together and get upto no good. It is rather ironic that the last part of the course is called Better Lives - which bright spark dreamed that up? I can only empathise mate.

Btur — Tue, 28 Mar 2017 18:50:37 GMT

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[b]wotsit39 - 19 Mar 17 6:32 PM[/b]

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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RE: I need some advice

wotsit39 — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 18:32:12 GMT

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[b]james gtr manchester - 6 Mar 17 8:36 PM[/b]

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RE: I need some advice

Pumpkin — Sun, 19 Mar 2017 15:58:12 GMT

Hey James It's sounds like you're going through a difficult time. You mentioned in your first post that you were feeling suicidal around your birthday and I wanted to let you know of the Samaritans in case you haven't heard of them. They're a confidential helpline open 24/7, the number is free to call or you can even text or email. You don't need to give them your name if you don't want to. I also wanted to mention circles of support and accountability. If you're not already involved with them perhaps it may be an additional support for you whilst you're trying to re build things for yourself. I'm not 100% sure on what their criteria is or what their referral system is like, but might be worth looking into? How are things for you now?

link — Sat, 11 Mar 2017 16:55:08 GMT