theForum » Other areas » Relationships » Things going well?

Things going well?

Square — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 15:53:55 GMT

Hello,

I have been visiting this site less and less because things in my life have been going pretty well. Good friends, good job (proper profession and well paid) and generally positive. Mental health issues are much better, and I rarely have night terrors now. I would even say my PTSD is minimal. Things do get better.

I changed my name and moved away - if you can, these are steps I would recommend to everyone.

My issue right now is something I didn't expect. After the allegation and conviction I protected myself and decided I wouldn't date or look for love. I have met people for casual relationships, but 'love' was strictly off the table. Well, just over a month ago I met someone and he is awesome - I have fallen for him and it is so damn inconvenient. He is nothing at all like what I believed my type to be. I know if things keep going the way they are I am going to have to tell him everything but it is terrifying me. I've not felt this way about anyone in a very long time.

The thing that worries me is that we have a similar social group - a couple know about my conviction but most don't. So if things go badly my whole world could turn upside down again. Arggghhhhhh.

I think a major issue I have is with the allegation and conviction. If i could just say I done it and regret it. It is because of X, Y and Z - it would be easier. But saying I didn't do it and wasn't there causes so many questions. I've been through it a few times before, and it is an awful discussion to have.

There is no real point to this post, just needed to release this.

RE: Things going well?

JASB — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 15:53:55 GMT

[quote]

[b]AB2014 - 21 Nov 19 2:54 PM[/b]

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[b]JASB - 21 Nov 19 2:45 PM[/b]

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[b]Square - 19 Sep 19 10:03 PM[/b]

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[b]conaty - 1 Sep 19 12:15 AM[/b]

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[b]Square - 16 Jun 19 12:25 PM[/b]

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I'm curious to know how this turned out. It sounds lovely to meet someone you really connect with. People can be understanding.

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He turned out to be a bit of an idiot - I fell for the looks and not the person. I didn't disclose to him fully, but he did know aspects - and wasn't 'fine' with what he knew, but understood my side of the story. I am dating someone else now - so we will see what happens there.

Don't assume the worst from people. You need to make sure the connection is there, and if they see you for you - you might be surprised!

[/quote]

Hi
I am sorry but then pleased you have met someone else.

Acceptance of others is an everyday activity and everyone has secrets they would not want to mention when first meeting you.

Remember that it takes time to learn if you can trust someone. Our loneliness, emotional anxiety and desperation to be part of a group / society can make us to ready to accept that someone is good because they seem to accept us.

We ex-offenders (I know you deny it) have the added pressure of disclosure as a moral duty when we get very close to someone, which is appropriate as part of building the trust in a relationship. However before commiting, take time to ensure the person is whom you think they are. Try small disclosures or raise conversations about offences to try and judge their character and feelings on the subject.
I do not know if you were supervised by probation but I can honestly tell you that they have no understanding of how it feels to disclose an offence and the accompanied feeling of anxiety because you think the person will reject you. Then the paranoia from the thought they will seek advice from others so a lack of control develops.

In the end be prepared for your past to be highlighted when the relationship is stressed. Then it is upto you to decide if the relationship is worth any possible punishment.

Finally consider that an ex sex-offender, who changes their name and location, has to go to court to apply for any conditions to be removed. Therefore it is possible for the 'papers' to reveal their past and new identity even though the person may have been recognised as a low risk and completely rehabilitated person. That person has the same decision as you are talking about when considering applying.

Be happy, considerate and compassionate to others in the hope they will be the same.

[/quote]

This is all good stuff. The disclosure thing is tricky, and sounding them out is a good way to go, preferably if it's about something in the news rather than "What would you think if...?" When it's time for The Big One, a neutral location might be a good idea, so either or both of you can get away if necessary. I'm thinking outdoors as well, so choose a nice day.

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Agree , definitely not offenders home. LOL
Location should be focused on ensuring both are comfortable so either can say goodbye and walk away safely in case of a bad reception to the disclosure.
It is how you present your disclosure, be confident but not arrogant, remorseful and acknowledging your offence. However be confident in the way you explain how you have become a better person.
In the end practice BUT know there is not a perfect way to disclose because those of us who have always done so in a different scenario as someone else.

RE: Things going well?

AB2014 — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 14:54:56 GMT

[quote]

[b]JASB - 21 Nov 19 2:45 PM[/b]

[quote]

[b]Square - 19 Sep 19 10:03 PM[/b]

[quote]

[b]conaty - 1 Sep 19 12:15 AM[/b]

[quote]

[b]Square - 16 Jun 19 12:25 PM[/b]

[/quote]

I'm curious to know how this turned out. It sounds lovely to meet someone you really connect with. People can be understanding.

[/quote]

RE: Things going well?

JASB — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 14:45:05 GMT

[quote]

[b]Square - 19 Sep 19 10:03 PM[/b]

[quote]

[b]conaty - 1 Sep 19 12:15 AM[/b]

[quote]

[b]Square - 16 Jun 19 12:25 PM[/b]

[/quote]

I'm curious to know how this turned out. It sounds lovely to meet someone you really connect with. People can be understanding.

[/quote]

RE: Things going well?

taylor941 — Wed, 20 Nov 2019 17:27:15 GMT

[quote]

[b]Mr W - 17 Jun 19 3:28 PM[/b]

[quote]

[b]Square - 16 Jun 19 12:25 PM[/b]

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Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope that there can be a life and career after the ****storm.

[/quote]

I agree...

RE: Things going well?

Square — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 22:03:19 GMT

[quote]

[b]conaty - 1 Sep 19 12:15 AM[/b]

[quote]

[b]Square - 16 Jun 19 12:25 PM[/b]

[/quote]

I'm curious to know how this turned out. It sounds lovely to meet someone you really connect with. People can be understanding.

[/quote]

RE: Things going well?

conaty — Sun, 01 Sep 2019 00:15:19 GMT

[quote]

[b]Square - 16 Jun 19 12:25 PM[/b]

[/quote]

I'm curious to know how this turned out. It sounds lovely to meet someone you really connect with. People can be understanding.

RE: Things going well?

Mr W — Mon, 17 Jun 2019 15:28:44 GMT

[quote]

[b]Square - 16 Jun 19 12:25 PM[/b]

[/quote]

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope that there can be a life and career after the ****storm. I am hoping to do a similar thing and live somewhere else under a different name.

I'm glad you've found someone to share your life with too. I know you can't stop people gossiping or asking questions, that's one of the MANY things we can't control. Is there anything you can change when it comes to telling people about it if it hasn't been too successful? Frankly, being honest takes huge courage too, so more power to you and good luck.

And do visit the forum now and again, we all appreciate the positive vibes and stories that give us hope for the future.