By RunningMan - 27 Dec 21 11:15 AM
My time on the SOR is now over and life is going well. I have had plenty of time to reflect on all that happened and I thought it might be useful if I posted some practical advice and pointers. This is what I wished I had know when I started out facing life as a registered sex offender nearly ten years ago.
- Be prepared for life to get much, much harder. I lost everything: job, position, reputation and a lot more. I was front page news. You will quickly learn who your real friends are. Do not expect any sympathy from society over the choices you made that got you on the Register in the first place; sex offenders are regarded as scum. Do not expect employers to 'be reasonable'; they won't be. I lost three jobs as a result of the google effect: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic1166.aspx and here: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic24837.aspx. Gather around you a few trusted, mature people who know you and see the 'bigger picture' of your life. Be up front about what you did and why you think you did it. Let them ask any questions they want. Answer them. Then invest in building these friendships with all you have got: they will be a life-saving resource for you.
- Work with the PPU/Probation Service. The PPU and Probation Service have powers that make Kim Jong-Un look fair and reasonable. Get used to it. Remember, they are not your friends. If you can move away from the area do. I was blessed to be able to do so. This helped 'reset' a lot of my interactions with the PPU and Probation which had become toxic. They will ALWAYS see you through the lenses of risk so ask yourself if the choices you are making are helping or hindering that assessment. Expect the PPU to turn up any time - they can and they do. Expect them to ask extremely personal questions, about everything. Keep your PPU Officer(s) fully aware of what you are doing and where you are going. I did everything I was asked to do in order to complete the TVSOC to show my risk level was low. (BTW: if you can afford it, see a proper, fully-qualified private therapist - TVSOC is not proper therapy, it is the worst kind of CBT 'tick the box' treatment programmes.) Remember, the PPU (and Probation) still need to work within the law themselves. They are accountable even if it might not feel like it at times. If their request(s) seem overly onerous or unreasonable then seek legal advice. If your SOPO/SHaPO is vague and confusing apply to the issuing court and get it amended. I did. Keep records of ALL communications you have with ALL PPU officers. Be professional and polite in your dealings with them. This can pay dividends: my PPU Officer was willing to assist me with my annual registration by coming to the police station and doing it personally himself. He also provided a reference which ensured I was able to discharge my SOPO. This helped me a great deal: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic24362-1.aspx Remember, they can ignore you and your moaning but not the law. It is your greatest friend.
- Develop a routine. Work is an extremely important part of this. But getting (and keeping) a job can be much easier said than done. Today, employers are super-careful about weeding out anyone who 'ticks the box'. They have really tightened up on this - I got two jobs without any questions being asked at the time, despite me ticking the box. It is extremely unlikely I could do that today. If you work in any regulated activities, your career is over. See this as an opportunity: it is time to retrain, set up your own business or move into an entirely new working life. However, even gaining access to training courses can be problematic. I applied to a University and was turned down because of my convictions: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic6694.aspx. This story has a happy ending - I got on to the course, passed (with distinction) and I am now building a new career. The future looks bright. Build into your weekly routine some exercise. It will help you feel better. Cut down/out on smoking/drinking/drug use. What is your porn consumption like? The PPU will find out if you are looking at stuff you should not be. If you are struggling with suicidal feelings, seek help. You must look after yourself. Develop a good relationship with your GP. You will need an internal reservoir that supplies you with hope. My own Christian faith helped me manage those dark moments. Those trusted people I mentioned in point 1 prayed for me and kept in contact. They provided appropriate social opportunities too. Finally, unless you want to take on the Google Goliath, the simplest solution is to change your name. I have deliberately waited to do this as I only wanted to do it once. This will be the final step for me in cutting those digital links to my past.
So that is it. I hope this helps. And anyone reading this who can provide some helpful, practical and positive advice, please add in your comments too. All the best for 2022. And never, never give up; it DOES get better.
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By Hola - 11 Jan 22 10:14 PM
+x+xMy time on the SOR is now over and life is going well. I have had plenty of time to reflect on all that happened and I thought it might be useful if I posted some practical advice and pointers. This is what I wished I had know when I started out facing life as a registered sex offender nearly ten years ago. - Be prepared for life to get much, much harder. I lost everything: job, position, reputation and a lot more. I was front page news. You will quickly learn who your real friends are. Do not expect any sympathy from society over the choices you made that got you on the Register in the first place; sex offenders are regarded as scum. Do not expect employers to 'be reasonable'; they won't be. I lost three jobs as a result of the google effect: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic1166.aspx and here: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic24837.aspx. Gather around you a few trusted, mature people who know you and see the 'bigger picture' of your life. Be up front about what you did and why you think you did it. Let them ask any questions they want. Answer them. Then invest in building these friendships with all you have got: they will be a life-saving resource for you.
- Work with the PPU/Probation Service. The PPU and Probation Service have powers that make Kim Jong-Un look fair and reasonable. Get used to it. Remember, they are not your friends. If you can move away from the area do. I was blessed to be able to do so. This helped 'reset' a lot of my interactions with the PPU and Probation which had become toxic. They will ALWAYS see you through the lenses of risk so ask yourself if the choices you are making are helping or hindering that assessment. Expect the PPU to turn up any time - they can and they do. Expect them to ask extremely personal questions, about everything. Keep your PPU Officer(s) fully aware of what you are doing and where you are going. I did everything I was asked to do in order to complete the TVSOC to show my risk level was low. (BTW: if you can afford it, see a proper, fully-qualified private therapist - TVSOC is not proper therapy, it is the worst kind of CBT 'tick the box' treatment programmes.) Remember, the PPU (and Probation) still need to work within the law themselves. They are accountable even if it might not feel like it at times. If their request(s) seem overly onerous or unreasonable then seek legal advice. If your SOPO/SHaPO is vague and confusing apply to the issuing court and get it amended. I did. Keep records of ALL communications you have with ALL PPU officers. Be professional and polite in your dealings with them. This can pay dividends: my PPU Officer was willing to assist me with my annual registration by coming to the police station and doing it personally himself. He also provided a reference which ensured I was able to discharge my SOPO. This helped me a great deal: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic24362-1.aspx Remember, they can ignore you and your moaning but not the law. It is your greatest friend.
- Develop a routine. Work is an extremely important part of this. But getting (and keeping) a job can be much easier said than done. Today, employers are super-careful about weeding out anyone who 'ticks the box'. They have really tightened up on this - I got two jobs without any questions being asked at the time, despite me ticking the box. It is extremely unlikely I could do that today. If you work in any regulated activities, your career is over. See this as an opportunity: it is time to retrain, set up your own business or move into an entirely new working life. However, even gaining access to training courses can be problematic. I applied to a University and was turned down because of my convictions: https://forum.unlock.org.uk/Topic6694.aspx. This story has a happy ending - I got on to the course, passed (with distinction) and I am now building a new career. The future looks bright. Build into your weekly routine some exercise. It will help you feel better. Cut down/out on smoking/drinking/drug use. What is your porn consumption like? The PPU will find out if you are looking at stuff you should not be. If you are struggling with suicidal feelings, seek help. You must look after yourself. Develop a good relationship with your GP. You will need an internal reservoir that supplies you with hope. My own Christian faith helped me manage those dark moments. Those trusted people I mentioned in point 1 prayed for me and kept in contact. They provided appropriate social opportunities too. Finally, unless you want to take on the Google Goliath, the simplest solution is to change your name. I have deliberately waited to do this as I only wanted to do it once. This will be the final step for me in cutting those digital links to my past.
So that is it. I hope this helps. And anyone reading this who can provide some helpful, practical and positive advice, please add in your comments too. All the best for 2022. And never, never give up; it DOES get better.
Hi I enjoyed reading your experiences. I am 5.5yrs into a 10 SOR for online porn addiction I had (now removed from my brain and never coming back). I was given a indefinite SHOPO which, I am told may not be legal, but in any case, I need it to finish in 4.5 years time with my SOR . I do not know if I must apply to the court that kindly gave me it, or to the court where I live now. I also do not need any press as I have already experienced that. So do I apply to the court it was issued by ? Also did you get written confirmation your SOR was up and that the tag on your passport would be removed? This is very important to me.
fyi i did as i emailed the police and asked for clarification as to what happened. They told me once time on SOR is over then my case would be archived
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