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Need support!


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Anonymous
Anonymous



Hi Mirrorman. I can guess what you are going through as I have been there my self. I tried anti depressants a few years ago and to be honest they didnt help. When my GP prescribed them for me to try he told me "that they wouldnt change reality" and he was right. This was while I was waiting to be sentenced. While I was inside I went to healthcare and had a chat with the nurse who suggested that I took a voluntary course called Beating the Blues.


 Well I wasnt going any where so I gave it a try. I didnt expect much considering where I was but I was amazed at how well it worked for me. I am sure it is available through the NHS maybe in a different format but it just taught me a different was of looking at myself.


 This is just a thought but if you are depressed then other people can be scared off by it wanting to give you some "Alone time" as it can come across as that. I can say with certainty that you shouldnt believe that you are finished. I am ,I bet quite a bit older than you and I have found a partner who is fully aware of what I have done and been through and see`s the person I am now.


It was I will admit scary to first reach out to her but its that that attracted her to me, that I could do it and be honest with her and isnt that what you are doing now on this forum, so you can do it to others. Its a risk I know but it can be worth it.


Am I making sense? sorry if I`m not.


Anonymous
Anonymous



Just another perspective for you. My offence came to light a few years ago. Because of the speed of our justice system it took them three and a half years to decide if they were going to charge me or not then the three years I spent at her Majestys Pleasure plus licence its been over eight years and its in my past. This is my new life. There are two choices as I see it, stay where I was or start over. I chose the second and its since then that I found myself a place to live and then my wonderful partner.

 

If I hadnt made the choice I wouldnt be where I am now and I`m sure other guys on here would agree. It has to start with yourself. At one point I thought it wasnt possible but I proved myself wrong.

 

With regards to a partner, who wants a judgemental person to spend their life with, good kind people are out there. The hardest part of it is not allowing the fears to creep in and get out and have a look. Same with friends if they are judgemental sc**w em who wants that sort of a person for a mate anyway. I managed to find some (whom I did tell) who didn`t set themselves up to judge me.  
Anonymous
Anonymous



Crustycob, Hi more times than I can remember. In and out the ploice station and court like a yo-yo Three years five months in total..All on bail. 

crustycob
crustycob
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Mirrorman > You need to change your last name move away and start a fresh! Its the only way you will get on in life!

C2 can I ask, you say it took them over 3 years can I ask how many times were you interview bailed ect in that time
cheers


Chin up everyone



Chin up everyone
SouthernChap
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Crusty is right. You'll have to seriously think about moving. Staying where there's still awareness of your offence is going to mean you'll always be looking over your shoulder.

The friends you had that have abandoned you will probably not come back. The friend you have that has supported you is at the moment seems to me to be your only reason to stay where you are. That's nice but if you move think of the new friends you can make who in all likelihood will never find out by themselves and you'll be able to judge if and when you tell them.

Your ex? She's part of the old life that died when you were arrested. Let's face it she's not going to accept you back. If she was going to she would have done so by now. Life is, I'm afraid, not a chick-flick. In this situation by trying to keep in touch you're just waiting for the inevitable experience of having your heart broken a second time when she finds someone new.

Assuming you're still not disclosing your offence to potential employers (either pro-actively or passively) then it's probably the Google effect so maybe changing your surname is a practical idea.

But yes, moving on in your case probably means you'll have to literally move on.
SouthernChap
SouthernChap
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Sadly mate, you're clinging to a corpse. sad

It's not about energy or drive or being a special type of person. It's about making a choice.

Look, leaving your home town, ending up in some grotty bedsit with no income but benefits and spending your day staring up at a different, probably less salubrious ceiling is not what I'm suggesting.

Do you have any relatives who care about you and might be understanding in a different location that you could stay with for a short while, at least until you find a job?

Or maybe you've got friends who you used to be close to in other parts of the country you've lost touch with. If there are people who you trusted once and think you could trust again, these may be people you could tell your story to and you might find them less judgmental. Not so much to stay with but people you can spend time with in yoiur new location so the loneliness won't be so bad. If you were to do this before you move anywhere, and they reject you then you've not lost anything. Also sometimes, if you've not been in touch, people can find it more easy to be understanding. They may not feel so let down as the friends you had when the truth came out. I'm about to be a little 'classist' here or maybe 'educationalist' or whatever you want to call it but I'd recommend trying this with better educated friends.

As for money, well it maybe be a little hard for a while but getting a job would solve that and it seems you're more likely to get a job if you move away.


Let's face it mate, your current strategy simply isn't working. You need a new one.
SouthernChap
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Having just read it back and then read Topcat's somewhat gentler but just as, if not more, valid post, I felt a bit guilty about being so blunt. blush

Anyway I'm glad I made some kind of sense. Sometimes my sentence construction gives way to tryingtosayeverythingatonce! blush lol
Mirrorman
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.

Post Edited (Mirrorman) : 01/10/2015 21:31:50 (GMT+2)


Mirrorman
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Chap - Another great post, always make sense and usually cheer me up haha! Thanks!

topcat68 - Wow.. great post! Thanks very much! With support like that you'll be a great addition to the Unlock forums!

Smile
topcat68
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Hi Mirrorman,
without sounding pat, it seems like you are suffering from depression which kind of puts you in a catch 22. Your circumstances lead to feelings of depression and depression prevents you from changing those circumstances. Unfortunately people around you probably find it very difficult to deal with or even know how to help someone who is depressed, that's before even getting their head around your past and accepting you as the person you are and not what you have done. It can seem like an abyss from which you can't climb out of. I would advise that you set yourself small but manageable goals each day; like making an appointment with your GP and maybe getting some form of counselling if you don't want to go down the anti-depression route. (anti-depressants take a couple of weeks to properly start working since they usually need to have a 'build up' effect...they work on serotonin or something chemicals within the brain...) but work for some people and not others. Sometimes helpful just to kickstart you in getting your life back on track, if only as a temporary measure... your doctors right, they don't change whatever reality is yours, just maybe your perception and alleviate some of the most debilitating symptoms of depression you know? I'd say dealing with that would be your first goal, in order that you can maybe address other aspects of your life that you feel need working on. It can all seem very overwhelming when you try to undertake too much at one time. Its like setting yourself up to fail to be honest because then you feel bad for not having achieved the targets you set yourself; even though those targets may have been impossibly unrealistic at a given time. This is why I say start with baby steps and bui;d up from there. Forgive yourself and take one step at a time. You have a right to choose what you tell people too, or not as the case may be. You've paid your debt and as such, you deserve to be treated on the merits of the person you are now, not on mistakes you've made in the past and which you've paid your debt to society for. With regrds to making new driends and relationshops, yes, change can be a very scary and daunting prospect. We cling to what we know, because its familiar and familiarity often seems safe. It isnt always the best thing for us though. You've made a positive step already by reaching out to people on this forum. Thats a move in the right direction. Try not let yourself become overwhelmed by thinking about too much and dwelling on all the things you want to change and feel you can't. Instead pick one thing that you can achieve and when you've done that, choose another and another and so on. Write them down if it helps too and tick them off as you achieve them. Take time to celebrate in your achievements and don't dwell on what you think are failings. There are people out there who will support you irrespective of whatever choices you've made in the past. They will support you because of the person you are, because they care about you; they will want to be there for you as your friend. I know because I'm one of those people who chooses to support someone who everyone else has seemingly abandoned. Give people time to get to know you if needs be first, before telling them anything about your past. You don't owe people anything, they should gain your trust first as much as you have to gain theirs; its the same for any new friendship/relationship. It has to be reciprocal. Things WILL get better, they truly will if you want them to. If you are at rock bottom, there is only one way left to go and in the words of Yazz, the only way is up! Stay strong and keep fighting. Best wishes.
GO


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