I have to say that I am so scared when I meet new people to even start talking about anything. It's natural for folks to want to know about your life. But I just freeze. Yes I went to prison.....but for what crime? So I isolate myself so much because a lot of the time the weight of guilt and shame is so heavy to carry. I can't handle questions and most probably stupid comment because our crime us under a shameful and strong label. How do you all cope?
Thanks
C 

I am pretty much in the same boat as you. I rarely go out at all unless its to get shopping. I have found it difficult to make new friends but I have pushed myself to do so and have been able to make some new friends, however I was forced to make a disclosure and given how that went and turned into an interrogation, I doubt I will be making many more. Thankfully the lady I disclosed to was sweet and understanding and allowed me to continue her decorating but the questions she got asked and being forced to fill out paper work just does not seem right in my eyes. I do not think police or probation should be taking details of anyone I make friends with unless they suspect that person of committing a crime, is it a crime for someone to be friends with someone on the SOR now? I still have some good mates who stick by me and I have disregarded the rest as if they were my "real" friends they would have kept in contact.

Its a difficult thing to process, if you make new friends and do not disclose, what happens if and when they find out by other means? if you are forced to disclose you have no idea how they will take the information, or who they can spread it too. Do you tell your new friends before hand and have much more respect for you opening up telling them first before they found out by other people or seeing things online? or will they make life harder? Easiest solution is to avoid it and stay indoors, but this is no good to your mental health but I feel given my own experiences this is what the PPU and probation want. its to punish you where you do not even feel safe in your own home and to my understanding this can be considered torture, and last time I looked torture of any kind was illegal? Or does somehow being a SO negate that law? I do wonder.

So how do I cope? there really is no simple way of coping. I try keep myself as busy as I can with in my own home, play games, talk to my friends who keep in touch, learn something new every week. You just have to give yourself the time and try and push past your fears. come up with sentences you can use should anyone start to question you. Deal with issues during the weekdays and give the weekends to yourself to relax, empty your thoughts, worries and fears and do something you can enjoy doing.

Xdanx
Thank you for not just viewing but taking the time to reply.
It was really helpful. Thanks. C

Hi Bravelassie,

I guess I was somewhat fortunate. I was sentenced just a little bit before COVID hit so it was almost perfect timing. A good reason not to leave the house, less chance of seeing people etc.

My offence became public in December last year and touch wood, everyone that I know that is/was interested has already said their piece, asked their questions and either vanished or stood by my side.

It's been a great chance for me to self-reflect and make changes in my life that were desperately needed.

One thing I really struggled with was alcohol addiction. A good suppressant for that is not going to the pub for fear of getting your head kicked in. I stopped drinking in December when it all came out and I'm glad to announce I haven't touched a drop since and haven't really had much feelings towards drinking again, even getting beer from the shop or whatnot.

Likely tied into the lack of alcohol, I've also lost a lot of weight too. It shouldn't be overly surprising how much weight you can put on when your diet consists of beer and drunken kebabs every day followed by gallons of energy juice the next morning to get me through to the end of my shift so I can hit the pub again.

I'm still without a job as I lost mine when my offence came out and although money is a little tight I've managed to work some things out and I have enough to cover my essentials.

I've been focusing a lot on the positives of this.

• Weight loss
• Stopped drinking
• Meeting amazing, interesting people through my community order I'd otherwise never associate with
• Having the ability to just exist - This is an underrated feeling from offenders, I feel. At present I don't have to worry about getting up for a job I don't like, doing work for clients I can't tolerate doing projects I have no interest in surrounded by people I'm not fond of. I don't have to worry about meeting up with people when I don't really want to as I'm not invited anymore. I feel pretty free, my day is exactly that. My day. I can do as much or as little as I like in it. Life can actually be pretty good when all you have to worry about is yourself.
• I'm a big music fan and do a lot of music writing too. I have a small home studio and was musically bereft of ideas for a while but the floodgates have really opened up.

Some of the things I have learned over the last few weeks was using various software packages including Adobe Auditions. I quite like my music from time to time as well and one thing that has always annoyed me is that some certain songs I like do not last long enough. So I took the time to learn how to make my own extensions, have it blend in so its not just simply stopping or fading out to repeat the start of the track. I am quite a keen learner and enjoy taking on new things, new challenges but keeping myself motivated enough is the biggest challenge yet.

Seeing as you have your own music studio, do you think it might be possible to throw some tracks your way to make your own covers?

Hi Brave,

Please don't feel you are alone with having these feelings, you are in good company here.

Yes the guilt and shame are heavy to carry, some days its just a niggle in the back of the brain other days it can be overwhelming. Whilst they are both perfectly natural feelings they are not helpful. Are you in contact with the National Probation Service? Have you spoken about these feelings with any professional or counselling service? They may be able to help you develop techniques to manage these feelings starting you on the road to self-forgiveness.

You don't have to tell everybody new you meet your whole life story. The human condition is such that most new acquaintances judge you on how you look, act and behave in the here and now. Yes some will want to dig into your past, these are the people who will judge you harshly and are not worth bothering with.

Tip on how to cope: Take a deep breath and try to clear your mind of all negative conceptions of yourself before meeting and talking to people, keep conversation light good humored and impersonal.

I could certainly take a look.

Is it music you've done yourself or covers of popular stuff? Most of the music I do is based around Rock and Metal.

Thank you all. Reading your posts is really helpful. I think indeed forgiving oneself is one of the biggest and hardest task. But I do try, some days it's easier some others it's harder. I guess it's a journey.
Thanks.

Apologies to Bravelassie, I feel I am kind of hijacking the post here

I have no experience with making music so do not play any instrument, tracks I have in mind come from some old movies which are some of my all time favorites.
I am not sure if there is a better way to discuss this with you on the forum instead of posting here but one of those movies is No retreat no surrender (Paul Gilreath sound tracks)
Id be really interested to hear what you do.

Christ! That movie is a blast from the past! I remember having on VHS. It was one of the first Van Damme movies I ever watched! Are you just after instrumentals?