Hi,

How does one cope with the stain.
I have a minor conviction but I never thought I would be a criminal, can't get the thought of that entry in the PCN staying there forever oui of my mind.
I'm stained forever.
It will be spent after a year but will need to bear it in mind with VISA applications and insurances.
The sadness it causes can be unberarable.

How do you cope?

Yeah, a conviction is a stain that is difficult to get off no matter how hard to scrub and with the glorious internet - for a lot of people your history is only a quick Google away.

Personally, I go through phases. I think its a tall ask to expect someone to just wake up one day and be cured of all the negative thoughts around it.

To save you having to dig through my comments for context - I was convicted of an images offence a few years back. That is very serious offence to try and come back from in the public eye as most won't ever give you the time of day compared to other offences including violent ones. I mean, how many reports and feel-good stories have you read about about people coming from a life of crime and turning their life around and are now pillars of their community? Loads, I'd bet. Now how many of those were sexual offences? Barely any I'd wager.

That is what I tend to battle with the most. The sort of "Why should I bother, they won't believe I'm a changed person anyway?" kind of thoughts.

To help combat this I do make notes in a journal of when these moments happen and what I was doing at the time and what time of day it was as well as what feelings and emotions were driving me at that time. What this helps me do is look at it from a more logical perspective "Okay, so this news article really bummed me out - Why did it bum me out?" then kind of build from there and essentially talk myself out of the feeling. It also helps distract me a little bit from the emotion(s) that were causing the issue in the first place as my focus has slightly changed. A third outcome (which is a bit more nerdy) is I collate it all on Excel with marked triggers and that way I can see if there are patterns like for time of day or what kind of things are triggering me. That way knowing what is causing these issues can help me address them. I can then also see if there has been improvement as my triggers will have gone down a bit on the data.

I've been given an online programme counselling with the NHS.

What did not help is when I had the first "screening/triage" call with the local mental health team prior to undergoing the programme.

Once I told the guy on the phone about my issues he started asking all sorts of questions of how I got caught, disposal etc etc.
Mine was a type of fraud convictions which is very common so my guess is that this guy was either committing the same fraud or had family members doing it
and was interested to know for his own purposes the background to my conviction
I am not impressed, thinking about that phone call brought it all back to me.

First of all, once the conviction is spent, it is no longer relevant to insurance, so you won't have to disclose it. For jobs that are eligible for a basic DBS check, you won't have to disclose it. For visa applications, do you actually need a visa, in practical terms, or have you just been told that you need one? Most countries have some sort of temporary authorisation to travel, such as ESTA, eTA, etc. They can't access our criminal records system, which is why they have to ask disclosure questions. They also have to rely on your answer being true, so bear that in mind.

That is just the technical, practical side, though. My mother struggled with anxiety for decades, and I've seen the issues it can cause, so I'm certainly not going to tell you what you should be thinking and feeling. I can suggest that you concentrate on what you actually have to do, rather than what is expected of you, to deal with your physical obligations, and I can only hope that time will show you that your worst fears aren't coming true.

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If you are to punish a man retributively you must injure him. If you are to reform him you must improve him. And men are not improved by injuries. (George Bernard Shaw)

To find a positive in it all, part of that feeling of sadness will be the guilt. Bear with me. That is a good thing because it shows you have a conscience, you're not as bad as "they" think you are and you accept what you did was wrong. Believe me, there are people with other convictions who still blame others/anything else but themselves. So use that feeling of guilt as fuel to move forward in a different way and as reassurance that you know how to avoid going down that route again.

A factor out of our control but can often be an unwelcome reminder is - I guess most of us don't find this out until it's too late - the systems that interfere with our daily life afterward are often too harsh long after the sentencing. In turn, they hit you in the pocket and in turn, without being too dramatic, make it difficult to survive. What is frustrating is we can't hear the stories of those people because they're not with us anymore. They're left untold and everyone carries on completely unaware it has been a very real situation. There are people on that path right now who might think all of this chaos has never happened to anyone else.

So while Khafka is right that we barely hear stories of success, with the help of this forum at the very least, WE can change that. The stories on here recently have shown that people can move forward, overcome punitive controls and find a way to carry on with the one life we have. The stories here are told from real people without the judgemental spin of what certain newspapers, for example, would put on the stories. The more that WE talk about them, our situations, even the everyday difficulties - whether it's to rant, share success or just join the conversations - the more hope that can give others.

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Fighting or Accepting - its difficult to know which is right and when.

It's important not to let one thing define who you are. Everyone makes mistakes, some get caught, others get away with it.

Even good people do bad things sometimes. It doesn't make them bad people. Think about some of the good things you have done in your life. The times that you helped other people, or when you did something kind for somebody. Try to remind yourself, that you are still a good person, no matter what you have done.

Hi Punter99
I was going to provide some words but why replace yours.
Cheers

Society suggests I must let go of all my expectations but I disagree, as whilst I have a voice, I have hope.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope is for tomorrow else what is left if you remove a mans hope.
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This forum supports these words, thank you Unlock and your contributors.

Hi
I have posted before about the "wheel of life" method. It is easy to understand, you decide where and how much effort to place on each element of your life.
If interested let me know and I will post again unless you find it by searching.

Remember to forgive yourself, be considerate to yourself, acknowledge the faults or areas in your life that distract you from the positives.
There is always someone else who "quality of life" may be suffering more than you, 
Use their determination as an inspirational source for yours

Society suggests I must let go of all my expectations but I disagree, as whilst I have a voice, I have hope.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope is for tomorrow else what is left if you remove a mans hope.
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This forum supports these words, thank you Unlock and your contributors.

From my memory of course work in the community, I'm guessing you're talking about this.

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If you are to punish a man retributively you must injure him. If you are to reform him you must improve him. And men are not improved by injuries. (George Bernard Shaw)

hi
Basically yes. I was given it when I attended the Better Lives course. The only course I have ever had to attend. To me it is the sort of course that could be included in schools from a certain age.
Really simple instructions so you could have the "free will" to class each segment to meet your own needs.

Society suggests I must let go of all my expectations but I disagree, as whilst I have a voice, I have hope.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope is for tomorrow else what is left if you remove a mans hope.
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This forum supports these words, thank you Unlock and your contributors.