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dragonfly4
dragonfly4
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Hi I feel I need to talk to someone about what I'm currently going through with my partner. I want to gain some advice and insight from other SO in how to prepare for the future.... I'll try and explain as briefly as possible. My partner has been investigated over historic SA claim from when he was around 12 he touched his younger cousin twice. He admitted to it at the time and apologised and has apologised to her multiple times since then and says he wishes he could take it back and if he can amends for what he did all she needed to was say. He says it was done out of curiosity and he had an infatuation. He doesn't have any attraction or issues. Nothing has happened since then and him and his cousin have a good relationship, catch up at parties, hang out for drinks etc whenever we visit families.

Fast forward 18 years later to November last year three weeks after we get married he gets a phone call saying there's been a historic allegation.
I didn't know until he was called for interview months later. I was upset but understood it was done out of curiosity than any malicious intention. He pleaded guilty and I've written a supportive statement saying we still want to help provide restorative justice to the victim and he's of good character, kind, loving and supportive this was a mistake done by an adolescent.

His cousin has never spoken to him about it or made anyone aware she was upset. Things aren't awkward between them or she doesn't avoid him or anything like that like i said they have a friendly relationship which makes this hard to get my head round. This was done out the blue. I can only guess it might have been brought up with him marrying and moving on. She also threw a strop because we couldn't fit her boyfriend in on as a day guest. Shes had lots of other things happen to her especially with her parents - shes not had the best home environment. Whilst I understand to some degree the need to talk about her experiences, I struggle with the fact she waited till specifically after he was married - to me it feels vengeful but perhaps i'm just speaking out of hurt. I just wish she'd have at least made him aware she was upset and made clear what outcome she wants, if she wanted to not see him again all she had to do was ask. I can't agree with the route taken.

My husband is a kind and loving man, myself, his immediate family and my family are sticking with him whatever the outcome. He's supported me through my own trauma with SA, rape abuse etc these were done by adults mostly when I was16-23 that have never apologised for what they did or even had a hint of accountability even when I confronted them...other words the worst of the worst. I will never be able to take those to court because they'd just deny it.
I wouldn't be sticking with him if I thought he lacked remorse.

We've both struggled with suicidal thoughts and have tried to remain positive in the past months -the not knowing is the hardest we just want to move on and piece together what life we have left. The issue is he is our main income on min wage as I have a disability (poor hearing) and have struggled to get work despite having two degrees. I'm sorry for the rant I just needed to talk to people who've been through this. We've built a life, community and friends and I'm expecting to lose all that.

It pains me to see my husband someone who's a good man and supported me through my recovery to potentially be labelled as the worst of the worst for life for a mistake he made at 12.
I've been trawling the web trying to come up with plans, does he change is name, do we move? For safety has anyone with SO had their house attacked or been attacked in public?
Any advice you can give I'd appreciate.
We;re awaiting a decision from CPS, its likely it will go to court although I'm hoping it doesn't...its unlikely.
Its not the start to married life we wanted but we just have to deal with it.
Sorry for the long post.


Simon1983
Simon1983
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Good morning Dragonfly4

Welcome to the group, first of all please don’t be sorry, you have got a lot off your chest, and as difficult as the situation is this can be the best place to do this, and the best place for advice and support.

You both are at the beginning of what could be a very long process.

I would hope that your solicitor is offering you guidance on the process and what he feels could happen with the CPS, if he is not doing this i would strongly recommend that you find legal representation with a firm that has a history or working with people accused of historic sex offences. The fact he was 12 at the time and a minor himself then i would hope the CPS look at this properly.

Untill they make a decision you are both going to be very much in limbo as it could go many ways.

Until he is found guilty of an offence i would strongly recommend that he does not tell any one outside the immediate family, (a need to know basis) 

As to if it will be all over the papers, the fact that the two people involved where children at the time, i would hope that this is not the case, as were is the public interest.

From a worst case point of views if there is information published then you have two options

Yes he could change his name by deed poll. The other option, but there is no guarantee that this would work is apply to google to have the article removed.

https://hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/counteracting-negative-google-entries/

The next few links might be worth both you reading, you need to read these as the worst case if he was to be charged. There is a lot of information to take in and you will have questions, and if so then ask them on here and we can help.

https://hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/information-sex-offence-notification-requirements/

https://hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/sexual-harm-prevention-order-shpo/

https://hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/information-relationships-children-dealing-social-services/

As a worst case if he is found guilty, depending on his sentence will depend on what he has to do and what agencies will be involved in your lives over time.

Other thing you both need to consider 

https://hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/a-simple-guide-to-the-roa/

On a worst case if this does become public, you will soon know who your true friends are, this offence has to be taken into context, both involved were young children at the time.

You will see a lot of scare stories out there, especially on face book and around the vigilantism groups out there, all i can say is ignore it, the place to get the advice is a place like this, by people that have been through the system as an ex offender with a sex offence.

In 13 yrs since I pleaded guilty to a non contact sex offence was image based offence and was sentenced to three years, I have not been attacked, or had my house vandalised.

As I said the pair of you are on a long road with no end in sight, it is going to be tough on you both, but there will be light the other side of the tunnel.

If you are feeling suicidal then you have the Samaritans you can call, 

It is important that you both realise you are not alone in this.

I hope some of this helps you both, you will have questions i know it, so please ask them here in this safe space.

Stay safe 
Zack
Zack
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You say he has pleaded guilty, but the case is still with the CPS. So I'm not sure I quite understand. He can't plead guilty without knowing what he is being charged with. If he hasn't already got one he needs a solicitor. I wouldn't recommend talking to the police without one. I wouldn't recommend making any statements or apologies without first getting legal advice. Indeed neither of you should speak to the complainant. Prosecutors will twist anything said to make it sound as bad as possible, and sadly the police are often more interested in gather evidence that proves guilt as opposed to looking at anything that may cast doubt or prove innocence. If the CPS pursue, I'm guessing his solicitor would need to look at what the law was when the incident happened. Twelve is terribly young, a solicitor can advice if what he did constituted a crime, and if there are any defences.

dragonfly4
dragonfly4
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Hi an update I posted in another topic under Emotional support -its going to court.

He's been charged with 6 counts of indecent assault no further details provided...they aren't pushing for any kind of grooming or predatory behaviour according to my solicitor. 
All in shock he is adamant that he can only remember two occasions as stated in the interview - he was between 13-15 - myself and his family believe him.
The police appear to have charged him based off her account alone. 
The police originally emailed our solicitor they were going to offer a community resolution through a programme they run but since he doesn't live there anymore they decided to push for court we weren't consulted/offered this they just informed our solicitor of their decision...................
We;re awaiting summon through post.
We will be disputing the above as such a case heading to court involving two children from 16 years ago.... when they intially were looking at out of court disposal should mitigate it going to crown according to our solicitor. 
I just hope it doesn't go further than magistrates as he is our only source of income and any convictions would permanently damage our life as a couple as I have a disability meaning I struggle to find work and am unemployed. 
Edited
3 Months Ago by dragonfly4
Simon1983
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Please keep us updated and if you have questions please ask, Zack make a good point, what needs to be looked at is his age at the time and the age of criminal responsibility at the time the offence took place.

Stay safe
GO


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