Hello,

I have posted details of my circumstances in other posts but basically, I'm awaiting a plea date for a charge relating to online sexual communications with an older child. I am currently in temporary accommodation and getting Statutory Sick Pay from my work for mental health reasons. My face and details of the case have been shared on social media, so I very rarely go outside for fear of being recognised, and also due to threats of violence against me.

I have two young children of my own and I'm allowed to have supervised contact with them. I am no risk to them at all and they ask to see me. My dilemma is, should I maintain contact with them for me to break their heart at some point when they're older, after they already have an established relationship with me? Or do I cut off contact now to protect them from the future heartbreak as they wouldn't have as strong feelings for me if I wasn't in their lives? I desperately want to maintain a relationship with them but I'm not sure if that's a selfish decision or not.

Does anyone have any lived experience of the pros and cons of maintaining/cutting off a familial relationship with their own children? I know either way they're going to find out about me and it'll affect them negatively, I just don't know which option is going to give them the best chance in life because they'll have to experience the stigma of my offences no matter what.

Thanks in advance for any and all responses.

I don't have the experience, but would recommend you continue  but at earliest time, to suit their age and understanding, you explain your circumstances. 

Thanks for your response Paul. My eldest child is aware that I've done something wrong and have been involved with the police, but nothing more than that. I plan on being fully accountable for my actions in an age-appropriate way if I'm able to maintain contact with my children. I just don't know what is the best option for trying to ensure they have the best future possible. If I receive a custodial sentence then I know prison visits are off the cards as I want to protect their identities as much as possible.

I'll add that although I wanted to maintain contact with my children, I wouldn't have wanted them to see me in prison because the visits room isn't usually a pleasant environment for children. Credit to HMP Ashfield for really making an attempt at creating a child-friendly playroom, but none of the others I experienced were anywhere near as good as that. Even before I was arrested, my wife was using contact as a weapon, so it was always going to be difficult. One of my mates also had a hostile wife, but his parents maintained contact with his sons and when his oldest son was eighteen, the first thing he did was write to his dad in prison to establish contact. Obviously, every case is different, but even going to prison doesn't have to be the end of the story. I'd also say don't worry about their identities being revealed. Visitors aren't announced like at a formal dinner at a stately home, and there aren't generally crowds of paparazzi waiting outside to photograph kids who are visiting.

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If you are to punish a man retributively you must injure him. If you are to reform him you must improve him. And men are not improved by injuries. (George Bernard Shaw)

Thanks for your response AB2014.

Although I've never been to prison, I can imagine that even the "child-friendly" visiting areas aren't the best. So I agree, I wouldn't want my children seeing me in prison. That's part of the reason why I'm internally debating about maintaining contact with my children or not. If I see them regularly, then one day I'm just gone, that may affect them more than if I saw them less regularly so they could get used to not seeing me for longer periods of time. It scares me that they're young enough to potentially forget me if I go to prison for even a short length of time, but in another way that may also be the best thing for them. I just don't know whether me fighting to see them is actually what's best for them or not.

By your response I'm guessing that you didn't get to maintain contact with your children. Can I ask if you think that's what was in their best interests long-term or not? If you'd rather not answer I completely understand.