Hi everyone

I do come on the forum as I know you all understand and I am so thankful to all of you.
I know I have done wrong and I am regretting every minute of every day in life. I can't change the past and I so wish I could turn the clocks back.i really do.
I have explained to my father what happened and he still comes back to me asking why the fuck did I offend. I am sick to the teeth to explain. The damage is done and I have to live with the shame and guilt of what I've done.
How do you all cope with the pressure of being questioned all the time?
I am sorry if I sound angry
Any advise will be welcomed
Thanks
C

nah i can understand that, i cut ties with anyone who asked. But i also put together a little biography so anyone else eg jobs police etc i say read that...

Pretty much everyone that gave a shit and didn't outright give me abuse or abandon me have gotten their answers from me and we have moved on together.

One thing to maybe try is to actually look at it from their perspective. I don't know how old you and your dad are and how your relationship was prior to your offence so this is just a general take on it.

Most (I'd imagine all) parents don't expect their child would ever grow up and commit a crime, especially a serious one. It can be a very confusing and stressful situation for them. He could be laying awake at night thinking about everything he went through raising you, wondering if there was any point which ultimately led to you offending and if it was essentially his fault this happened/what he could've done differently to prevent this. People's moral compasses and outlooks on life generally stem from their parents given they usually spend the vast majority of their formative years with them.

When you commit an offence it's basically seen as your moral compass being off - Your dad could be wondering if his behaviours and teachings have contributed to this. Not to mention he is almost certainly getting stick/hassle from his friends at work or wherever which can also be a massive stressor.

I feel he is just trying to understand. He might never understand and that is okay too.

Hi C,
Many of us here can relate to being questioned all the time, so completely understand the frustration and relentless pressure that talking about the past can bring.
I think what you've raised is a very deep topic and one that is surprisingly not talked about considering how many people go through the same thing. So I want to be careful but honest in my response because I very much doubt you're alone in what you're going through.

It's important to note that those close to us are probably in a healing process after the shock of what's happened. Our actions have brought a load of stuff to their doorstep which they didn't want in their life. Equally, they might be hurting too knowing that you're unhappy but perhaps feeling helpless that they can't make everything okay for you. Separately, I'm not saying it's the case here, but they might think they've failed as a parent which they might have trouble coming to terms with. So perhaps he's not asking 'why did you do it' he's subconsciously asking 'is it because of something I did or didn't do?' and, unfortunately, the answer, at least partially, is probably yes. So, what do you do? You could get angry back and have arguments that go nowhere and use each other as proverbial punching bags - not recommended - or... work on trying to salvage the relationship and try your best to transcend the tragedy.

On a simpler level, People, particularly older generations, often get angry about stuff they don't understand eg "all this new fangled internetty stuff". Unhelpfully, Instead of trying to understand it they can lash out and/or not listen anyway. So, for example, no matter how many times you explain to an older person why you follow a certain person on Instagram, they just don't get it. However, they can tell you verse and chapter on Royal Family, who is married/divorced/kids they have/dramas/who is in line to the throne/grand parents/great grandparents etc etc etc. So even if you do explain it to them, they can't make the connection that it's the same thing but instead of reading newspapers, it's on an app on our phones. Slightly off-topic but I hope that makes some sort of sense.

I try to avoid conversations with those close to me about offending. Nobody comes away from those conversations going: "That was a really good conversation and I'm really happy."
I'm not saying don't talk about it ever because we're all in a healing process. So, if you can, talk about the past with those who are "separate", probation, counselors, talking therapies etc. situations where it might be helpful to talk about it.
If it does come up with those close to you, calmly redirect the conversation elsewhere or talk about the progress and positive steps you've taken and as time goes on there will be more and more new things to talk about. Good luck.


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Fighting or Accepting - its difficult to know which is right and when.

Hi Bravelassie,

Because it's so hard for family and friends to understand why somebody offended, Lucy Faithful have started running programs specifically for the families of offenders. These programs are free and will answer many of the questions that your father is asking. Even if you can just persuade him to phone Lucy Faithful's helpline, somebody there will be able to talk to him about it. They also have a section for families on their website.