Hi,

I'm really struggling at the minute with isolation and loneliness.


Ever since I've been convicted for the download of indecent images of children i'm struggling to maintain a healthy balance of social life.


I spend every day worrying about who I socialise with and how my crime might impact them. I worry about being invited to events that I can't attend, about if I become friends and they have children then I have to disclose. I worry about  where I can socialise, if there could be any issues with my SHPO. I celebrated my birthday last week, and thought about ending my life. I'm really struggling to maintain an even keel, I've given up even looking for work as I see it a waste of time.

Hi James, I can relate to this myself. My offence was years ago now and at the time I couldn't see anyway forward for me. In fact losing my wife, family, friends and job was by far the worst, more so than actually going to prison. Prison did in a way put me with some people to help me through the darkest times but at the other end of it now I have managed to find a really great partner and I have a small business to get me through. It hasn't been easy and there have been times when I didn't want to carry on but here I am.
I never imagined being where I am today, my partner sort of found me and knew about my past from when it happened, My small business? never thought I would be doing what I am (so completely different to before, polar opposite in fact). My point to all this is you can`t foresee whats coming, you have to wait and see it may be something good. 
Yes there will be problems, but you learn to steer a better course to minimise the negatives, I have found a lot of the "problems" where in truth in my head
 ( thats just my personal situation not aimed at anyone else). My register requirements arn`t really an issue for me now. I have adapted I dont over duly worry about them and manage to have some good times so hang on in there.
You do say you worry about being invited to events but at least you are optimistic and say you may be invited to some. have you discussed it with you O,M, ? I did when it was early days and she didn't have much of an issue as long as I "kept myself safe" if you know what I mean. Going to a pub or event isnt the same as going to someones house.
Belated birthday wishes by the way. I hope it gets better for you soon. C.....

Hi,

Thanks - I feel just isolated, trying to find someone who was / is in the same situation as me. Someone who actually understands. I Do have a good support network, and probation do their best. BUT they haven't walked in my shoes, or experienced the same problems as i'm experiencing. So thank you

The job situation is the worst, it leaves me isolated and there are things like walking, camping (wild) that I would like to try. But i'm just so fearful, I know the police are there to "help". BUT  you feel they (and at times) probation are putting obsticles in my path. 

Sometimes I feel lonely, without friendship, companionship.

Hi James

I've been in the same situation as you and although life is generally OK for me, I do still have days where I can feel a lonely and down. 

Like CC I found that working for myself was the best option. I started off applying for jobs through the job centre but the constant rejection really got to me. When I pitched the idea of becoming self-employed with the advisor at the job centre I found him to be really helpful. He put me in touch with a mentor who has given me some great encouragement and advice and although I'm never going to be Richard Branson I've got a lot more confidence than I had before.

I've joined a walking group recently - we do about 10 miles at a time and usually stop off for a pub lunch. It's been a good way of meeting new people but the walking and enjoying the countryside mean that my fellow walkers ask less intensive questions about me. This might change the longer I'm involved. I was a bit apprehensive at first but the group are a great bunch and just being out in the fresh air can make you feel so much better both mentally and physically. I don't know about you but even before I got my conviction I found it harder to make friends as an adult than I did when I was younger. I've really had to make a lot more effort.

Hope things start to get a bit better for you. I definitely recommend the walking - have a look at your local Ramblers group.

Dazzie,

Yeah - I found that isolation contributed towards my offence (downloading), a lack of self confidence. Looking back I was also in a very controlling relationship too.

In order to move forward I need to remove the isolation, but it feels like i'm having to overcome not only the barriers in my SHPO but my social anxiety.

I'm really struggling and i'm back to being isolated. I need to sign on again, and I will ask about getting a mentor. I will try the walking group now someone has had a similar experience.

It really is difficult, and I hate the vilification that I feel from former friends, my relatives and society. I just want some help!!!

Hi James,

Having been in the same situation it's not a pleasant experience to say the least, I too lost my fiance, my friends, my family, my job, my home, my whole identify and struggled with feelings of despair.

It does get better (kinda) but I'm not the ray of sunshine like some others unfortunately, I still have a nonexistent social life, struggle to make friends or even consider relationships as to not impose my past on someone else, it keeps me safe but it also keeps me lonely.

On a positive note I have one friend who knows about my past, its difficult as they have a busy life but it's nice to be able to go talk to someone once in a while without fear of hiding things, I dread the "where did you use to live/work" enquiries from people but you get akin to being crap at making conversation on that front.

Over the years I have managed to dig myself out of debt, sell my house, tuck away some savings, gain some new qualifications, make a friend, and now I'm looking forward to getting off the SOR.

So it's not all doom and gloom, I have a few hobbies that keep my occupied although still quite isolated truth be told. If you speak to your OM I was able to get private therapy on a weekly basis which I found very helpful dealing with my emotions at the time, I think it was after I did my SOTP though, and after that I spent a year working with circles which was really worthwhile so I'd recommend looking into it.

The one thing I find holds be back is Google, that constant irrational fear that a quick search of my name and wham bahm there's a picture of me etc. Unfortunately that's the lifetime punishment you have to learn to live with... Keep your chin up, there are worse things than loneliness.

Hey James

It's sounds like you're going through a difficult time. You mentioned in your first post that you were feeling suicidal around your birthday and I wanted to let you know of the Samaritans in case you haven't heard of them. They're a confidential helpline open 24/7, the number is free to call or you can even text or email. You don't need to give them your name if you don't want to.
I also wanted to mention circles of support and accountability. If you're not already involved with them perhaps it may be an additional support for you whilst you're trying to re build things for yourself. I'm not 100% sure on what their criteria is or what their referral system is like, but might be worth looking into?

How are things for you now?

Hi James,

Im going through a simillar situation and with a similar conviction. 

Its hard. There's no two ways about it. My sister hasn't spoken to my for 3 years and my relationship with my brother and parents is strained. I was lucky with my conviction in that there was no publicity and I was able to keep my job, which has kept me focussed. I have definitely regressed socially now though, i'm a completely different person and much more reclusive. There are good friends from before conviction that I stay away from now because of the family element. 

At the time of my conviction in 2012 it all seemed like it was never going to end, 2 years probation, 6 month course, 5 year SOPO and 7 years on the SOR felt like it was never going to pass, but its almost passed now. My SOPO finish at the end of this month and my conviction is spent accordingly. Ive been accepted for a new job because I can now say I have no unspent convictions. I met a woman on a dating site, who Ive told about my conviction and she's been understanding and supportive. Ive been through it and I feel im now coming out the other side. 

It is a life changing event but you CAN still live an enjoyable life. How long have you got left on the conviction?

Hope youre enjoying the weekend.

I am in the same situation. Mine case was widely reported particularly by the newspaper I used to work for!, I lost reputation, job, home but my children stood by me and I still live with two of them (over 18).
It does mean I can only see my 9 year old daughter under very strained circumstances. I found it a bit odd that a chap on my NSOG course had much more serious indecent image conviction than me yet he got no SHPO at all and looks after his children, 9 and 7. Weird, although he may have had a good lawyer whereas I had someone who sold me down the river and did not present my circumstances at all. What I also found hard was that all the people you can relate to ie those on the NSOG course - you arent allowed to contact! This I presume is in case us perverts get together and get upto no good. It is rather ironic that the last part of the course is called Better Lives - which bright spark dreamed that up? I can only empathise mate.